Transcendent Mediocrity

What is the truth?

Legend has it, that every 12 hours the Earth will become blanketed in darkness. The Aztecs had foreseen this, and gave it a mystic word which is unpronounceable in their ancient tongue, but in ours translated roughly to something like “Night”. According to the legend, when the Earth is consumed by darkness, you may have trouble seeing, and you will almost invariably have to turn on your headlights in order to maneuver home from work in the all-consuming blackness. But it is only a legend.

Or is it?

In Pennsylvania, there exists an abandoned bar that has been boarded up, and is never functioning.However, On July 25 of every leap year, if you can find this bar and look at it at the correct angle, it will appear to be fully operational and lit up. You must walk in a PERFECTLY straight line towards the bar and enter through the front door. Walk to the bar, act NATURAL, and order a Long Island Iced Tea. Sit coolly at your stool surveying the patron around you (who will be dressed in snappy 1920s attire). If you wait until after closing time, the barman will approach you. It is CRUCIAL that you do NOT approach him. Wait for him to make the first move. He will say “Is there something I can help you with”? Look him DIRECTLY in the eyes and say, with a straight face and a calm tone “I wish to hear of the others.” He will sigh, and begin to dictate to you an ancient legend, one that only a handful of people have heard since the dawn of civilized man. He will speak of an ancient, terrible land known only as “Africa”, and its inhabitants. Legend has it that its people had skin as black as the night, and a strong love of fried foods. However, a terrible curse has been ravaging this land, a curse known as “AIDS”. After he is done with his tale you will wake up in a run-down hotel in Idaho. Outside, in the middle of the abandoned parking lot, will be a fresh, ripe watermelon. If you hold the melon tightly, and recite the words “Orange juice out of a champagne glass” three times, nothing will happen. But it’s only a legend.

Or is it?

On December 22 of every year, at 5:50 a.m., sit at your computer and wait 30 seconds. IMMEDIATELY grab your mouse and click on the shortcut the the web browser of your choice. Wait another 30 seconds and type this address into the address bar: “www.myspace.com” Legend has it that it is a social networking site for chatting your friends and meeting people with interests similar to your own. But it’s only a legend.

Or is it?

An ancient Canadian wife’s tale states that on every Wednesday, at high noon, you will have access to your local video tape rental outlet. Once you have made it inside (if you make it, that is), look for a certain tape, called “The Rocky Horror Picture Show”. If you can manage to convince the clerk (who will always be a middle-aged, frumpy woman) to let you rent it, run, do not walk, RUN home and put it into your VCR. You must watch the film on an old or standard television, as the effect cannot be achieved on the newer HDTVs. Watch the film up until a musical segment called “The Time Warp”. Once the song is over, IMMEDIATELY run to your kitchen, grab the first knife you lay eyes on (it MUST be the first, unless the effect cannot be achieved). Run to your bed (YOUR bed, not anyone else’s) and begin to stab. Stab until you can see the inner workings of the bed and grab exactly one spring, and attempt to pull it loose. Some come easily, others don’t, and this factor depends on the last time you spoke to your cousins on you mother’s side. Once you have the spring in your possession, drive to the nearest bridge and throw it off. If the bridge does not have water under it, you may be able to see the spring lying at the bottom. If it does, however, have water it is unlikely you will ever see the spring again. But it’s only a legend.

Or is it?

Benjamin Franklin. He was known for being of the greatest Americans to ever live, and one of the original founding fathers. His achievements throughout the course of early American history are as numerous as they are detrimental to the formation of the United States as we know it today. However, he also harbored a darker more sinister side. Franklin was notorious for his underground dealings in secret societies such as the Masons. Legend has it that on a dark and stormy night in mid October, 1782 he and his Masonic brethren had discovered the secret of immortality. He died of Pleurisy and old age in 1790, at the age of 84. But it’s only a legend.

Or is it?